I thought some of you might enjoy a
trip down memory lane and a look at some of the old issues of The
Formula One Insider from back in the day. If you are, in fact, younger than my laptop then you will just have to take my word for it that this is indeed really, really funny, topical and insightful!! It does make me think that we had much better characters in F1 back then. I wonder if we will ever see their like again.
I'll publish another one
every 73 minutes. Or whenever I think of it and get a round tuit.
The Formula One Insider - #1 THE FORMULA ONE INSIDER Its the reader's guide to things people wrote. Its the writer's guide to things people read. Its all things to all people, all the time. By Ben Eton This is the second edition of a new, regular column which will appear only once, unless it appears again. SCHUMACHER SIGNS THROUGH 1999 Stating that his phenomenal performances in 1997 and 1998 proved how important he is to the team and that he is still the best driver in Formula 1, Ferrari boss, Luca di Montezemolo announced that Schumacher's contract had been extended through 1999 and that they were currently working on a further extension that would ensure that Schumacher, his brother Ralf, and his first born child would all finish their careers at Ferrari. Di Montezemolo cited Schumacher's 1999 performances as justification for a further extension. After another a tough year, Di Montezemolo said that they expect 1999 to be a re-building year which will put Ferrari in a position to challenge for the championship in 2000. Although terms of the deal were not disclosed, sources close to the team mentioned a 7-figure increase, use of a company car on week-ends and first crack at all Maranello virgins on their wedding night. [Obvious joke deleted] Asked for his comment on Schumacher's ability to negotiate extensions to contracts long before their expiration, Damon Hill stated: "Thbptthpthpthpthptp". ALESI RUMOURS CONFIRMED Flavio Briatore today confirmed that there is a rumour that Jean Alesi will be leaving Benetton. At a London press conference he stated: "As you know, there was a rumour that Alesi would be let go to make room for Hill but as Hill has recently signed with Arrows, that rumour is now obviously untrue. We are therefore very happy to be able to announce a brand new rumour that Alesi will be moving to Jordan in 1997." On hand at the press conference was Eddie Jordan who stated: "I am of course delighted to be linked with a rumour as significant as this and I can tell you, with my hand on my heart, that I have no comment and you can quote me on that." THREE CAR TEAMS Asked for clarification of the new Concorde agreement which mandates both 2 car teams and 20 car grids, Bernie Ecclestone stated that there was no possible contradiction between these two clauses. Said Ecclestone: "I have been talking to God about a new mathematical system for the universe which will ensure that we have 2 car teams and 20 car grids regardless of the number of teams." Asked for his comment, God confirmed that there had been discussions with Ecclestone and that God was merely awaiting Bernie's approval before implementing the new system. LOLA'S LAYLA LIES LOW ON LILO IN LUDLOW Although not normally a news-worthy item, the sunbathing habits of Lola's new PR Director Layla Roberts while on vacation led to the tragic deaths of Will Yams and Brad Ham, motorsports reporters for The Sun and the Daily Mirror respectively. The reporters encountered Roberts on vacation in Ludlow and tragedy ensued when they realized that there was only one phone within 3 miles and only 10 minutes until deadline. Yams was beaten to death with his own typewriter (which was equipped with 48 point type only) and Ham succumbed to heat exhaustion while trying to phone in his copy. Ironically, neither writer made the sports lead in his paper the next day. The Mirror lead with: "Toasty Ham's bacon is cooked" and The Sun's sport lead was naturally: "Saucy, sizzlin' Sue's sexy, saucy, sex romp sizzles." JACKIE STEWART SETS NEW RECORD Almost 10 years after losing his F1 win record to Alain Prost, Jackie Stewart set a new mark in Formula 1 which is unlikely to ever be beaten. On November 6th at 10:43 GMT, Stewart told his "the media knows my drivers better than I do" joke for the 7,348th time. When reminded that he had in fact announced both his drivers some time ago, Stewart announced that that only made it funnier and that he would continue to tell the joke until somebody laughed. At press time, attempts were being made to contact Ben Elton's fans to provide a receptive audience for Stewart - neither of them was home. ESTORIL TEST TIMES After two days testing at Estoril the 1997 Drivers World Championship has been awarded to Pedro Diniz. Frentzen's time of 1:24.323 was .203 quicker than the slowest time set by Hakkinen on his rollerblades while slipstreaming Hill's moped on the back straight at Monza while Herbert and Brundle beat up Schumacher for being 3 tenths slower than the fastest that Katayama had never driven in sports cars (karts and Sinclair C5s included as sports cars for comparison purposes). Villeneuve's two lap Indy penalty was retroactive to next season and he is therefore slower than Blundell was quicker than Coulthard. As this clearly proves, Salo was the class of the field and the championship has therefore been awarded immediately to Gerhard Berger on behalf of Diniz. Taking a break from writing the zeroes on the check, Diniz said: "This is the fulfillment of a life-long blah-blah-blah, yada-yada-yada....." Testing for the 1998 season is expected to begin in December with the results to be announced next week. ----------------------------------------------------------------- If you found this report helpful and informative, please tell your friends to send me all their money. If you didn't find it helpful and informative, go ahead and tell them to send me all their money anyway.
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