Old Formula One Insiders from back in the day - November 13 1996

           THE FORMULA ONE INSIDER
                   Its just what you need when:
        "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"

By Ben Eton
This is issue #4 - the third in a series of two. 
 
SCHUMACHER TESTS GOODYEARS AT ESTORIL
Michael Schumacher was recalled from his vacation early to begin
intensive testing of Goodyear's tyres at Estoril. He declared them
to be at least a second quicker than last year's tyres and
described them as: "The best invention since....um, well...the
wheel." He refused to comment on the sandwich he had for lunch.

FOCA DISCUSSES TIES WITH USAC AND CART
Bernie said that he didn't like them at all and the Americans said
they liked big, fat ones with pictures of naked women on them.

FOCA/DISNEY ANNOUNCE US GP
At a November 11th press conference attended by Bernie Ecclestone,
Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse and the back end of a pantomime horse,
Ecclestone announced that DisneyWorld would host a Grand Prix in
1997. Asked for his comment, Eisner grinned, slapped both hands
over his mouth and patted Ecclestone on the head. Mickey, clearly
embarrassed by Eisner's behaviour, told the assembled press corps
that they would get a better answer from a horse's arse. Ecclestone
deferred to the other horse's arse who, when questioned, stated
that: "We are very proud to be associated with as prestigious an
event as the Formula One World Championship." Eisner then dropped
a piano on his head.
Pushed for his comment, Ecclestone denied that there had been any
contact with Disney and/or Mickey Mouse and went on to say that
reports of his meeting with Minnie Mouse, Jessica Rabbit and the
back end of a pantomime horse were clearly exaggerated and possibly
actionable. He hinted that if there was a US GP it would likely be
held on the roof of the Lincoln tunnel in New York. Toll collectors
at the tunnel, asked for their comments replied: "65 cents please."
In a later statement, it was announced that Disney would be the
official, licensed merchandiser of Formula One products. As a
result, effective immediately, the Minardi will be the official
Mickey Mouse Formula One Car. Guido Forti is known to be lobbying
Disney to have his car officially designated as the Goofy Car.

BRIDGESTONE APPOINTMENT AT OHIO FACTORY
In preparation for their re-entry into F1 next year, Bridgestone
today announced the appointment of R.Olan Roland-Rowling as Manager
of their Ohio Rubber Plant. Bridgestone Chairman, Atishu Gobleshu,
said that the plant had been looking a little limp and droopy and
that they expected Roland-Rowling to water it every day and so
restore it to its full splendour by the beginning of next season.

SAUBER SPEAKS OUT ABOUT FERRARI DEAL
Peter Sauber today called a press conference to explain the
confusion over the Sauber/Ferrari deal. Sauber had claimed to have
made a deal to buy Ferrari engines but Ferrari insisted that the
deal was not for engines but for technical know-how. Sauber
explained that the confusion arose because he knew that Ferrari had
engines but he didn't realize that they had any know-how. When
asked by reporters, Sauber claimed that he was not at all
embarrassed by the situation. Ferrari immediately issued a press
release stating that Peter Sauber was embarrassed by the situation.

SCHUMACHER CENTRE OF CONTROVERSY IN FINLAND
Finnish parents were recently shocked to discover a new threat to
their children in the person of Michael Schumacher. It has been
revealed that if the hit record "Go, Schumi, go" is played
backwards, the 1994/5 World Champion can clearly be heard repeating
the phrase: "Mika Hakkinen spins a lot." Playing the B-side,
"Verstappen Crashes a Lot", backwards does not produce anything
sinister but does sound vaguely like everything by Kajagoogoo.
In a related story, Jos Verstappen, who has not yet been able to
find a driving job for '97, has signed a recording contract with
EMI. A spokesman for the record company told reporters that they
had not heard Verstappen sing but, based on his reputation,
expected several hits from him next year. EMI expects Jos to put
out an album of cover versions including: Always crashing in the
same car by David Bowie; Bang Bang by Squeeze; Poisoned Arrow by
ABC and, in a duet with Tom Walkinshaw, the old Madness favourite,
"I like driving in my car, (its not quite a Jag-u-ar)."
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This report has been brought to you by the National Endowment for
the Arts. Please tilt your head and look thoughtful while reading
it.

Old Formula One Insiders from back in the day - November 7 1996

I thought some of you might enjoy a trip down memory lane and a look at some of the old issues of The Formula One Insider from back in the day. If you are, in fact, younger than my laptop then you will just have to take my word for it that this is indeed really, really funny, topical and insightful!! It does make me think that we had much better characters in F1 back then. I wonder if we will ever see their like again.

I'll publish another one every 73 minutes. Or whenever I think of it and get a round tuit.

The Formula One Insider - #1


                      THE FORMULA ONE INSIDER
           Its the reader's guide to things people wrote.
           Its the writer's guide to things people read.
            Its all things to all people, all the time.


By Ben Eton

This is the second edition of a new, regular column which will
appear only once, unless it appears again.  


SCHUMACHER SIGNS THROUGH 1999
Stating that his phenomenal performances in 1997 and 1998 proved
how important he is to the team and that he is still the best
driver in Formula 1, Ferrari boss, Luca di Montezemolo announced
that Schumacher's contract had been extended through 1999 and
that they were currently working on a further extension that
would ensure that Schumacher, his brother Ralf, and his first
born child would all finish their careers at Ferrari. Di
Montezemolo cited Schumacher's 1999 performances as justification
for a further extension. After another a tough year, Di
Montezemolo said that they expect 1999 to be a re-building year
which will put Ferrari in a position to challenge for the
championship in 2000.

Although terms of the deal were not disclosed, sources close to
the team mentioned a 7-figure increase, use of a company car on
week-ends and first crack at all Maranello virgins on their
wedding night.  [Obvious joke deleted]

Asked for his comment on Schumacher's ability to negotiate
extensions to contracts long before their expiration, Damon Hill
stated: "Thbptthpthpthpthptp". 


ALESI RUMOURS CONFIRMED
Flavio Briatore today confirmed that there is a rumour that Jean
Alesi will be leaving Benetton. At a London press conference he
stated: "As you know, there was a rumour that Alesi would be let
go to make room for Hill but as Hill has recently signed with
Arrows, that rumour is now obviously untrue. We are therefore
very happy to be able to announce a brand new rumour that Alesi
will be moving to Jordan in 1997." 

On hand at the press conference was Eddie Jordan who stated: "I
am of course delighted to be linked with a rumour as significant
as this and I can tell you, with my hand on my heart, that I have
no comment and you can quote me on that."


THREE CAR TEAMS
Asked for clarification of the new Concorde agreement which
mandates both 2 car teams and 20 car grids, Bernie Ecclestone
stated that there was no possible contradiction between these two
clauses. Said Ecclestone: "I have been talking to God about a new
mathematical system for the universe which will ensure that we
have 2 car teams and 20 car grids regardless of the number of
teams."

Asked for his comment, God confirmed that there had been
discussions with Ecclestone and that God was merely awaiting
Bernie's approval before implementing the new system.



LOLA'S LAYLA LIES LOW ON LILO IN LUDLOW
Although not normally a news-worthy item, the sunbathing habits
of Lola's new PR Director Layla Roberts while on vacation led to
the tragic deaths of Will Yams and Brad Ham, motorsports
reporters for The Sun and the Daily Mirror respectively. The
reporters encountered Roberts on vacation in Ludlow and tragedy
ensued when they realized that there was only one phone within 3
miles and only 10 minutes until deadline. Yams was beaten to
death with his own typewriter (which was equipped with 48 point
type only) and Ham succumbed to heat exhaustion while trying to
phone in his copy. 
 
Ironically, neither writer made the sports lead in his paper the
next day. The Mirror lead with: "Toasty Ham's bacon is cooked"
and The Sun's sport lead was naturally: "Saucy, sizzlin' Sue's
sexy, saucy, sex romp sizzles."


JACKIE STEWART SETS NEW RECORD
Almost 10 years after losing his F1 win record to Alain Prost,
Jackie Stewart set a new mark in Formula 1 which is unlikely to
ever be beaten. On November 6th at 10:43 GMT, Stewart told his
"the media knows my drivers better than I do" joke for the
7,348th time. When reminded that he had in fact announced both
his drivers some time ago, Stewart announced that that only made
it funnier and that he would continue to tell the joke until
somebody laughed. At press time, attempts were being made to
contact Ben Elton's fans to provide a receptive audience for
Stewart - neither of them was home.


ESTORIL TEST TIMES
After two days testing at Estoril the 1997 Drivers World
Championship has been awarded to Pedro Diniz. Frentzen's time of
1:24.323 was .203 quicker than the slowest time set by Hakkinen
on his rollerblades while slipstreaming Hill's moped on the back
straight at Monza while Herbert and Brundle beat up Schumacher
for being 3 tenths slower than the fastest that Katayama had
never driven in sports cars (karts and Sinclair C5s included as
sports cars for comparison purposes). Villeneuve's two lap Indy
penalty was retroactive to next season and he is therefore slower
than Blundell was quicker than Coulthard. As this clearly proves,
Salo was the class of the field and the championship has
therefore been awarded immediately to Gerhard Berger on behalf of
Diniz. 

Taking a break from writing the zeroes on the check, Diniz said:
"This is the fulfillment of a life-long blah-blah-blah,
yada-yada-yada....."

Testing for the 1998 season is expected to begin in December with
the results to be announced next week.

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Follow me on Twitter @mitchmcc 

The Formula One Insider - Malaysia 2015

THE FORMULA ONE INSIDER

Its the reader's guide to the things people write.

Its the writer's guide to things people read.

Its all things to all people.

Its free so quit your whining.

By Ben Eton

Number 1. Because number 2 is no joke.

HE'S BAAAAACCKK!

I thought I should probably yell that just in case you didn't realize that I'd been gone. And in case you didn't even realize that I'd been here in the first place, I should explain that The Formula One Insider used to be the pre-eminent source for made up news about Formula One. And when I say “used to” I am not pussy-footing around with the use of the past tense.

In fact, the last time I wrote a column, my non-de-plume was a relevant F1 joke, Mika Hakkinen became world champion, Max Mosley was not a cross-dressing Nazi (as far as we knew) and Verstappen was giving me more inspiration per lap than any other driver. And now. HE'S BAAAAAACK! No, not Max. Jos. Jos the Boss. The former, future world champion according to the entire nation of Dutchland. (Hollandistan? Netherregion? Whatever).

Jos Verstappen. The only man to pack a bucket and spade when taking to the grid. The man who elevated spinning off into the gravel into an art form. The man who tried to get his car to mount that of Juan Pablo Montoya. The driver so unloved that even his team tried to set fire to him. That Jos!

Of course, I knew months ago that Max would be coming to F1 this season but it wasn't until this weekend when I saw Jos standing in the pits that I knew it was time for the Insider to make its return. Maybe at some point during the season he'll turn around suddenly and we'll all laugh and laugh. Maybe I can reconnect with some of my most avid Dutch fans and see if they've become any funnier now that I really am an American. Maybe Max will have inherited a double helix with the double helix he got from his Dad!!! (If only there was a god!!!)

So its good to be back and, if I may quote a brilliant Formula One journalist from his debut column: “This is the second edition of a new, regular column which will appear only once, unless it appears again”.

WHAT THE.....

I hear the question forming on your lips so let me introduce myself properly. My name may or may not be Ben. In the late 90s I wrote a column about Formula One motor-racing that was so popular that I didn't do it for a couple of decades and nobody noticed. There will be some of you reading this who were not born when this column last appeared but back in the good old days of Usenet and rasf1 we used to have some wonderful times debating Hill or Schumacher, Ferrari or Williams, the exact lap on which Verstappend would spin off. For a while the Insider moved to the Atlas F1 site which was apparently acquired, consumed and excreted by Autosport. It was while at Atlas that I had to wrestle with the fact that it was unclear who was most bored with the Insider, me or everybody else. I've been struggling to answer that question for 17 years and now that I have a satisfactory answer I've forgotten the question.

So for those of you younger than my laptop, the goal of The Insider is to bring you fresh, relevant, exciting news about F1 that you can't find anywhere else. This is of course very difficult. Therefore, I will mostly just make stuff up. As reporting “rumours” is now de rigeur for all legitimate news outlets, I think this now makes me part of the mainstream. I have always promised my readers one thing and this will continue to be an important part of my raison d'etre. Every sentence will have something foreign in it gracias. No that wasn't it. Oh I remember:

We check at least one fact.

Each and every issue, without fail, you can rest assured that we have checked at least one fact. We won't tell you which one it is, and its probably not one of the important ones, but we feel that this is an important covenant between us, the journalistic genius, and you, the common reader.

SO, RE-FUELING, HUH?

For those of you who can afford a Google subscription, you can confirm to everybody else that I was railing against re-fueling long before the FIA finally got around to banning it in 2009. Clearly, after all my efforts (and a deliberation period of a decade or so) the powers that be have realized just how right I was. I am far too modest to claim all the credit (OK, that is not the fact that I checked) although if all the credit was forced upon me I would be almost powerless to resist. No, the fact is (hint) re-fueling has been gone for some time now (not news, not made up, not interesting – the history teacher's trifecta) and F1 is the better for it. Now, if you want to see a car in flames, you'd better hope that the director finds some reason to follow a McLaren for a half a lap or so.

ITS ON AGAIN

After declaring Hamilton and Mercedes the 2016 champions two weeks ago, it seems that the titles have been revoked this week. And James Vowles has become a household name. Depending on the household. For those of you not currently sleeping with Mr Vowles, and you know who you are, he is in fact the Chief Strategist at Mercedes. This is a position very similar to Chief Iceberg Watcher on the Titanic in that it is a job so painfully simple that anybody with a fake F1 news column could do it. May I suggest the following strategy for the Chinese GP: show up with the fastest car, drive it faster than everybody else during qualifying, drive it not quite so fast but still very fast during the race and, here's the clever bit, don't stop. Its a well known fact (could it be?) that cars that are stopped don't go as fast as cars that aren't stopped. Just a little free advice for Mr Vowles (and whoever may be sharing his bed right now).

AND FINALLY.....

The End.


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