THE
FORMULA ONE INSIDER
Its just what you need when:
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"
By Ben Eton
Its just what you need when:
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"
This is issue #4 - the third in a series of two.
SCHUMACHER TESTS GOODYEARS AT ESTORIL
Michael Schumacher was recalled from his vacation early to begin
intensive testing of Goodyear's tyres at Estoril. He declared them
to be at least a second quicker than last year's tyres and
described them as: "The best invention since....um, well...the
wheel." He refused to comment on the sandwich he had for lunch.
FOCA DISCUSSES TIES WITH USAC AND CART
Bernie said that he didn't like them at all and the Americans said
they liked big, fat ones with pictures of naked women on them.
FOCA/DISNEY ANNOUNCE US GP
At a November 11th press conference attended by Bernie Ecclestone,
Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse and the back end of a pantomime horse,
Ecclestone announced that DisneyWorld would host a Grand Prix in
1997. Asked for his comment, Eisner grinned, slapped both hands
over his mouth and patted Ecclestone on the head. Mickey, clearly
embarrassed by Eisner's behaviour, told the assembled press corps
that they would get a better answer from a horse's arse. Ecclestone
deferred to the other horse's arse who, when questioned, stated
that: "We are very proud to be associated with as prestigious an
event as the Formula One World Championship." Eisner then dropped
a piano on his head.
Pushed for his comment, Ecclestone denied that there had been any
contact with Disney and/or Mickey Mouse and went on to say that
reports of his meeting with Minnie Mouse, Jessica Rabbit and the
back end of a pantomime horse were clearly exaggerated and possibly
actionable. He hinted that if there was a US GP it would likely be
held on the roof of the Lincoln tunnel in New York. Toll collectors
at the tunnel, asked for their comments replied: "65 cents please."
In a later statement, it was announced that Disney would be the
official, licensed merchandiser of Formula One products. As a
result, effective immediately, the Minardi will be the official
Mickey Mouse Formula One Car. Guido Forti is known to be lobbying
Disney to have his car officially designated as the Goofy Car.
BRIDGESTONE APPOINTMENT AT OHIO FACTORY
In preparation for their re-entry into F1 next year, Bridgestone
today announced the appointment of R.Olan Roland-Rowling as Manager
of their Ohio Rubber Plant. Bridgestone Chairman, Atishu Gobleshu,
said that the plant had been looking a little limp and droopy and
that they expected Roland-Rowling to water it every day and so
restore it to its full splendour by the beginning of next season.
SAUBER SPEAKS OUT ABOUT FERRARI DEAL
Peter Sauber today called a press conference to explain the
confusion over the Sauber/Ferrari deal. Sauber had claimed to have
made a deal to buy Ferrari engines but Ferrari insisted that the
deal was not for engines but for technical know-how. Sauber
explained that the confusion arose because he knew that Ferrari had
engines but he didn't realize that they had any know-how. When
asked by reporters, Sauber claimed that he was not at all
embarrassed by the situation. Ferrari immediately issued a press
release stating that Peter Sauber was embarrassed by the situation.
SCHUMACHER CENTRE OF CONTROVERSY IN FINLAND
Finnish parents were recently shocked to discover a new threat to
their children in the person of Michael Schumacher. It has been
revealed that if the hit record "Go, Schumi, go" is played
backwards, the 1994/5 World Champion can clearly be heard repeating
the phrase: "Mika Hakkinen spins a lot." Playing the B-side,
"Verstappen Crashes a Lot", backwards does not produce anything
sinister but does sound vaguely like everything by Kajagoogoo.
In a related story, Jos Verstappen, who has not yet been able to
find a driving job for '97, has signed a recording contract with
EMI. A spokesman for the record company told reporters that they
had not heard Verstappen sing but, based on his reputation,
expected several hits from him next year. EMI expects Jos to put
out an album of cover versions including: Always crashing in the
same car by David Bowie; Bang Bang by Squeeze; Poisoned Arrow by
ABC and, in a duet with Tom Walkinshaw, the old Madness favourite,
"I like driving in my car, (its not quite a Jag-u-ar)."
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This report has been brought to you by the National Endowment for
the Arts. Please tilt your head and look thoughtful while reading
it.
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